My Neighbors Are Freaks
Of course they probably think the same thing about us.. but it’s not true damn it! Okay maybe it is to a certain extent since our backyard has been converted to a skateboard park where I broke my foot while trying to grind a rail because it just looked so darn easy. And perhaps the blue and white swimming pool rope we have tied to the deck and a tree at the end of the yard, that we all use Tarzan style, complete with Tarzan yells for quick access to the “skateboard park” is odd to them.
I could probably throw in too how the all the neighborhood kids hang out here and at any given moment there are upwards of a dozen people present, the trampoline that currently has a tent pitched on it, the multiple cars parked in the driveway because their combined value is less than all the bikes, 4 wheelers, gas powered scooters, etc. that have claimed the two car garage and maybe even the really nice hot tub that I filled with $50 worth of dirt and planted flowers in to prove a point to my “hopefully one of these days ex.”
But these things are nothing to compare with their freakiness. Mrs. L who lives behind me, cuts her grass with scissors. Everyday, she is on her knees while wearing what my mom refers to as a “mumu” housecoat, rolled down socks, hair in rollers.. “cutting her grass”. Come to think of it I have never seen her hair not in rollers, so I’m not sure why she rolls it. She painted her picket fence multi-colored because she got mad at my neighbor who used to live on my left. She thought he was looking at her legs and has since referred to him only as the “man whore who ogles my gams”.
The neighbors on my right borrow my ketchup (a brand new bottle) at least twice a week and return it empty. I buy three bottles of ketchup a week.. one for us.. two for them. I have no idea what they do with all that ketchup. She also buys packaged cake mixes but none of the other ingredients needed. She sends her 8 year old son over as she comes to each new ingredient, to borrow it. “Can we borrow an egg?” “Can we borrow stuff to grease a pan?” “Can we borrow a tablespoon of oil?” While he is carrying the actual tablespoon for me to fill and him to get it there without spilling it. I have often wanted to see the results of my ingredients, but am scared she might offer me a piece. Surely it is full of cooties since half of it’s ingredients have been transported there open and through the outdoors.
Then there are my new neighbors on the left. A few minutes ago I watched him aerate his lawn by tromping across it in golf shoes. He is wearing spandex pants, a flannel shirt and listening to his iPod. Currently his butt is poking up in the air, because for the past 5 minutes he has been inspecting something that dwells in his lawn. His ass is bouncing up and down to the beat of whatever tune he is listening to on that iPod.
From the looks of his butt thrusts, it might be this oldie but goody by Sweet…
Too bad I can’t say the same about his encased in spandex ass.
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You know, I’m fortunate enough to say, my neighbors are 1/4 mile away because we have acerage and live out in the sticks but I tell you, when I lived in teh city, I had neighbors that had video cameras outside their house because they didn’t trust the pizza delivery guy!!! LOL
Oh man.. if my neighbors were that far away, I doubt “S” would ever make it back home with the full tablespoon of oil.
Then again my neighbors ass wouldn’t be the first thing I see when I look out my window either.
You should tell your neighbor that never seems to buy all of the ingredients to start buying her own! I would find it really annoying. Maybe you could put her down when you report your taxes?! haha
…and what would they say / how would they describe the Family Groovy?
Collards and greens is what always comes to my mind when you discuss your “lovely” neighbours.
@ Alisha.. I told the little boy once that I didn’t have what he came after.. he looked so disappointed and told me it was cupcakes for his class. I felt horrible, so told him to wait while I looked again and of course found the ingredient. Now the taxes.. hmmm.. I might need to talk to our accountant about that one hahaha.
@ Oh, The Joys.. Mrs. L refers to us as “that lady with all those hooligan kids”, the neighbor on the right SHOULD refer to us as their personal grocery store and the neighbors on the left.. they don’t talk to us, haha. I’m sure however they refer to us more than likely contains profanity.
@ WorkAtHomeSpace.. Does “Just a bowl of butter beans.. ” ring any bells? You know, I actually miss that old coot… sometimes. Like when I’m in the mood for a really bad Elvis impersonation.
HA! your neighbors are normal! We threw a plaid winter hat onto our neighbor’s front yard just to see how long they would let it stay in the middle of their lawn. (2months)
why did we do that you ask? because someone threw a McDonald’s bag & cup on their lawn once, and it was there for a month. It didn’t bother me, but everyone who came over mentioned it to me, so it irritated some people.
“Bowl of Butter Beans!!” LMAO! I’ll never forget that one.
Ahh…the good ole days! 
Groovy Lady sounds like it would be a blast to live next door to you! Never a dull moment!
I’m still laughing at “carrying the actual tablespoon!” lolol
Oh my gosh! Your neighbors are stranger than fiction! How bizarre!
@ Ched.. that would never have happened in this neighborhood. These people are way too into their lawns to leave something laying in the yard.. well other than their bodies, lol.
@ WAH Opps.. those were some fun times. Remember the time I was late for PR chat because I locked myself out of the house and had to climb the tree to get in? Then realized, as I was hanging from the tree I could have used the garage door opener, lol. Oh and my neighbor that picked me up by my butt when I fell down the deck stairs… perv.
@ Flawed.. we have more odd ones, I only told ya’ll about the ones immediately surrounding me. We live in a closed gated community with no thru traffic, so everyone knows each other quite well, along with all their quirks and dirty laundry.
We also have normal, very nice ones. One elderly lady, Mrs. A, she bakes homemade bread twice a week and brings it to us. Then K across the street, she is a nurse and provides all of our emergency medical attention.. like for a broken foot for example, lol.
It’s actually a great neighborhood. Wonderful for kids being that there are tons of them around. We love it here.
Yes Groovy Lady…sure was some fun times! And yes, LOL, I remember you locking yourself out of the house!
But, I don’t remember someone picking you up by your butt when you fell down the deck stairs??
Guess I was somewhere else then. lol
Oh, that is a nice lady…bringing you bread twice a week.
Holy Toledo (do people still say that?), I want to hang out in your backyard! Not only to play with all the cool things you have back there, but to try to out-weird your neighbors. For starters, I’d begin cutting my grass with either a blowtorch or with tweezers (depending on my mood). And I’d carry my plate (with my dinner in it) over to your neighbor’s house to ask to borrow a shake of salt. Five minutes later I’d go back for another shake.
I remember that one where you locked yourself out of the house. Isn’t that the same perv who used to stare at you from his window while he had his hand down his pants jerkin’ himself off? LOL! I just added the hand down his pants part! LOL!
We don’t really have neigbors anymore….
but I am constantly bitching about our neigbors at work. After reading this, I am done bitching. Our neighbors are pretty decent after all.
Ketchup has many uses. Do you really want to know what your neighbor is doing with his ketchup?
@ WAH Opp.. The butt picker upper.. eeww I said butt picker how gross.. anyway he was the Butter Bean guy.
@ Dan.. it’s a fun backyard for sure. Come around Halloween, my boys and their friends make a Haunted Trail in woods by near our house.. it’s lots of fun.
I am sooo going to do the salt thing! Excellent idea! I’ll let you know how it goes over. More than likely they won’t have any, lol.
Oh and speaking of blowtorches, lol.. K the nurse across the street.. we watched as she torched her yard shortly after I made the original post, lol. She said it was good for it.. I’m going to take her word for it, she has (or had) a really nice lawn prior to becoming a pyromaniac.
@ WorkAtHomeSpace.. LOL.. that’s the one, minus the part you added. He invited all the boys in the neighborhood to a wiener roast one time.. freaked all of us moms out and had us wondering exactly what kind of wieners he wanted to roast.
@ Ryan.. Well shucks! When you make it sound so, how you made it sound.. lol.. maybe I’m better off not knowing.
Honestly though, I am curious as to what type of meal a family of three people could have that would require the use of a full bottle of ketchup.
I also want to know why the hell they bother returning it to me basically empty and with ketchup ooze all around the lid. It’s gross.
Groovy Lady! You seriously have to ask why they bring it back empty?? Because… drum roll… they know you will buy them MORE! LOL!
Is it ketchup ooze or ketchup crust? I guess it wouldn’t be crust because of how often and quickly they use it…it wouldn’t have time to crust over! ROFL! You kill me, Groovy Lady!
[…] A comment that was made by WorkAtHomeSpace, then follow up comments by myself and WAH Opps, in reply to the post about my freaky neighbors, is what prompted this post you are now reading. So when you want cover your ears and run screaming from the room, remember it’s WorkAtHomeSpace’s fault, lol. […]
@ WorkAtHomeSpace.. Yep, it’s definitely ooze. The crust formation, I assume, starts at some point after it has entered my trash can.
Wouldn’t you at least wipe it off? Or hell, every now and then buy a bottle of ketchup to give back to me? I feel pretty sure they buy some on their own too. I think they just don’t buy enough.. you know like a vat of it or something to account for the vast quantities they use.
I asked their son what they had for dinner one night when he returned the near empty family size bottle of Heinz.. he said corndogs, lol. I haven’t asked again because.. well that’s just freaky.
How many people are in that family? 10? Better yet, how many corndogs did they eat?!
Although, my son who is only 3, loves to lick the ketchup off whatever it’s on. So if he’s eating fries, he’ll end up licking it off and dipping it back in, so maybe they do that? haha
Morning Alisha! There are only three members in that family, two adults and an eight year old child. I’ve suspected for a while now that they are double dippers, but it never dawned on me they might be lickers too. What would that make them, licker double dippers or licking double dippers?
Anyway, if licking and redipping is going on, I hope it’s a habit that is confined to the 8 year old.
I want to live in your neighbourhood!
Hi there notfearingchange!
Come on then.. we would love to have you. Of course you realize you have to have a certain freak type factor to be admitted thought.. right?
I visited your blog just now.. good job on it! Thanks for stopping by here too! It’s nice to have you here us.