Southern Girls
Women around here.. I’m in Alabama by the way, basically come in three varieties:
Old South - think the debutante type. All charming and proper with big hair. Okay, not really big hair, but poofy, flouncy hair. Well forget the hair, some of them have normal hair and I’m not really sure poofy is a word. Let’s just leave it with charming and proper.
Normal - like me of course! Can fit in just about anywhere. From dive type bars to country clubs, and all the things in between… because we just rock like that sugar!
And then you have the Big Bertha type, and no, not the golf club. Think more along the lines of the German Howitzer that goes by the same name, weighing 43 tons, firing 2200 lb. shells over 9 miles and scary as hell. I’m sure other states may have their own Big Bertha types.. but I guarantee you that a southern Big Bertha can kick their asses.
Well yesterday when I went to get my kids from school, one of these Big Bertha types whose name is Candy, which just cracks me up because she is sooo not a Candy, of course I would never laugh about that to her face because she’s big, hairy and scary… hell I started rambling didn’t I? Where was I.. she parked in a really foolish place in the school parking lot, but that wasn’t entirely her fault because the parking lot is just totally screwed up and the pick up line blocks all the cars that are parked there until at least 3:15. She was apparently checking her “in the near future will be yet another Big Bertha” daughter out of school and had parked to go in and get her.
Now those of use who are smart, we go through the pick up line to get our kids. But you have to get there at 2:15 even though school doesn’t get out till 2:45, to avoid the traffic pile up that occurs every afternoon. Okay, so BB (which is what I’m going to call her now because I’m tired of typing Big Bertha) was parked and I was the unfortunate one that had her blocked in. She cranks her car up and starts backing up. I tapped my horn as if to say, “Are you fucking blind?” She stops and looks up at me and very obviously mouths the word “MOVE”.
“Well, you know bitch I can’t.. okay?” went through my mind. There are cars in front of me, cars behind me.. lots of them. In order for her to get out of that spot a minimum of 30 cars would have had to move. Now I wasn’t opposed to moving had she gone and talked to each one and said back up and they actually did it, but she didn’t do that, so I shrugged like what do you want me to do and then went back to the really hot sex scene in the book I was reading.
I heard a car door slam. I just knew it was her so I looked up and oh holy hell that woman looked like she was the missing link.. or perhaps King Kong’s second cousin. HUGE! She roared.. “You need to move, NOW, I have to go!” So I looked around at the cars blocking me in and asked her, “Well now sugar where exactly do you expect me to go? I’m blocked in too, as you can plainly see.”
She said, “I don’t care where you go ’sugar’, just move, I have to go.” To which I replied, rather damn nicely because I was starting to get more than a little pissed myself, “I’m sorry, but there isn’t really anything I can do until they move the traffic. Wish I could help you out but I can’t.”
Then she says, “Look, it’s your choice, move or I’ll move ya.” And she pointed at her car, like that was what she was going to use in order to move me, and spit out some chewing tobacco or something when she said it. Alright the spitting part was a lie but she was the type that probably does. Anyway I’m thinking, pfft.. my ass you will Mighty Joe Young… which of course I didn’t say out loud because I’m not stupid.
Instead I asked the obvious.. “Are you insured? Because if you are, then go for it. If not, well then go for it anyway, because I am.” And smiled at her.. real sweet like those Old South women do because she was bringing out the bitch in me that loves to come out and play far more than she should.
Next thing I knew.. oh hell, no she did not! Oh hell, yes she did! That bitch was opening my car door! I would be lying if I said I got even more pissed off, because I didn’t.. she flat out scared the shit out of me! I was on the verge of crying and begging forgiveness for sins I had never even committed, but like hell if I was going to let her see that.
Instead I said, “You need to back off! What is your problem anyway? Have you not been coming up here everyday to get your child and seen the mess this parking lot gets in? Didn’t you know you were going to get blocked in?” All the while playing tug of war with her over the car door. I really wanted to win that door back because I thought I could lock myself safely inside the car, and do the smart thing that any decent southern women would do and call my dad crying for help.
Anywhoo by this time it was hitting 2:30 when the children who ride the school buses get dismissed. Traffic was already backed up down to the main road and people that park down the hill and walk up to go collect their kids were starting to pass by. We got a couple of redneck dudes who stopped to linger, I’m sure in the hopes of seeing two chicks duke it out. A couple of moms standing there who I just know had their hearts breaking for me and thanking their lucky stars it was me and not them that had her blocked in.
And then… one really sweet guy that came over.. a fellow that I would have gladly stripped down for and been his sex slave for life if he had asked.. because I was just that damn happy to see him. He secured my door from her ham-like paw and closed me up inside my car and stood there.. he didn’t say a word to her, he just looked at her and she finally walked back over to her car and got inside. I thanked him, begged him not to leave me alone with her, he promised not to, I waited expectantly for just a bit in case he read my mind and I was really going to get to do him in the parking lot after all.. but no luck there, and that was that.
So the moral of this story is.. Southern girls, as a general rule are nice normal people, who of course, since I am one.. rock! But if you see a Big Bertha coming your way.. RUN! Or lock yourself in your car before it’s too late. Oh and if you are someone like me, that has never been in a fight in your life and know you are going to get you ass kicked.. call you dad for help… just in case it comes to that against your will.
A southern girl is always prepared! Well no we aren’t obviously, but it sounded good and I just wanted to say it.
Okay, now. WHAT THE HELL??? How dare she!!! I can’t believe that she would actually try to start something and cause a scene in the parking lot of a busy school. She was probably running late for her anger management class! LOL. Well, I’m glad you made it out alive and thank goodness for the sexy strange who saved the day like the Mighty Man he sounded like he was!!! Hopefully you get to give him his proper reward in due time!!!! That’s awesome that no one was injured or killed during the incident!
LMAO, I was picturing her chewing tubaky while reading, so nice touch with that lie!
It’s such a comforting thought that her child was in the car, witnessing the wonderful actions of this beast.
How to grow up to be a redneck 101.
Haha, that is so funny! It played in my head like I was there watching the whole thing and wow, she scared me too!
If that was me sitting in the car, she could probably just use two fingers and throw me out!
Hopefully you don’t go through that again! Too bad you didn’t have something to throw out the door to have her fetch while you closed and locked your door.
@ Krystal.. Yes thank goodness for Mighty Man! Although he wasn’t really that mighty or that sexy, lol.. mores the pity. I think she realized she was fighting a losing battle.. there was no way anyone could move except forward, which wasn’t going to happen until time.
I have no idea what she thought she was going to do to me.. but I’m damn glad she didn’t do it whatever it was.
@ freebies etc… LOL on the lie part. I felt bad for her daughter actually. Of course that didn’t come until about 2 hours later when I finally quit shivering in my shoes and was able to think of anyone but myself, lol.
@ Alisha… Oh hell honey, I know you and you are a tiny little wisp of a thing! The wind she created while walking to the car would have blown you away.
Love the fetching visual! I’m going to start carrying raw meat around with me in case I run into her again.
Mom tends to get a little carried away…. I’ll have a word with her. And oh… that was copenhagen she spat on the ground.
She’s not as scary as she looks, but almost.
I apologize.
LOL @ Ryan.. I’ve seen your really cute self in some pics, thank goodness you didn’t inherit your mom’s Neanderthal features.. however I do see where your 5′oclock shadow comes from.
My mistake on the Copenhagen.. there are really only a few things that get inserted into mouths that I can differentiate between in a nanosecond.. the most prominent of which I’m sure would not be inserted into hers since the owner, like yourself more than likely prefers to avoid any and all delargers.
I have a Latvian Big Bertha neighbor who really needs a good beating. I wish you could send your Southern BB up here to sort her out once and for all.
My BB has little tiny mean eyes sunk into a huge doughy reddish face and crazy taffy colored hair. Her nicknames (The Beast, Yeti, and The Link –as in missing) Oh sure we all laugh at her, but we are all scared shitless around her. True BBs have nothing to lose! They love lawsuits and criminal charges!
I’m scared of Big Mamas too, but I just could not stop laughing at this post.
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
@ Ched.. Ohhh, an ethnic Big Bertha! They don’t have anything to lose, they are a breed of people unto themselves and they scare me spitless. They do love lawsuits and criminal charges.. and I think they like being the ones that cause them too.
@ WorkAtHomeSpace.. You can’t help but be scared of them! It’s hard not to feel that way about any creature that looks like they come from the same gene pool as Godzilla.
lol
Ohhhhhhh, my goodness. I am in the South too, and I have known and unfortunately, had run ins with several Big Bertha types. The thing is, that they are really just pathetic and cowardly little people on the inside. They’re like those big dogs who bark really, really loud, but when you snarl back at them, they tuck tail and run. She wouldn’t have fought you, because she’s really a coward at heart. Good for your for standing your ground.
@ Brooklyn Frank…
@ Blog Antagonist.. I wondered if she was as big and bad as she looked, but was too scared to chance finding out, lol.
If the woman had touched me.. I honestly don’t know what I would have done.. I suspect that it would have been something that involved needing clean underwear though, lol.
I am from Alabama myself and it has been my experience with people named Candy…. big fat and gross.
Just like my brother says… Why do all the fat girls wear shirts that say Hottie?
@ I Eat.. Ahh a neighbor! Yep.. that pretty much describes all the Candy’s I know as well. LOL.. I can’t imagine why anyone would wear a shirt that says Hottie on it, lol. And why do they buy them 4 sizes too small.. GROSS!
Thanks for stopping by!
Well, as a fellow southern gal, I know that she broke the #1 of being a woman! You can not be both fat AND a bitch…..you must choose one or the other….the two MUST NEVER come together.
I am such a ninny!!!! I would have freaked out….of course, my big mouth would have been running the whole time too!
Have you ever heard the saying, “Don’t let your mouth write a check your ass can’t cover”? Yeah, right here…..nice to meet ya’!
Is it wrong that I am laughing at the visual of this large, tobacco spitting woman trying to pry you out of the car? YES, it is very wrong…..and I am almost sorry! (hee-hee)
LOL @ Queen… I’m rather familiar with that type of check writing myself, although I think I might be a bit more hesitant in the future when it comes to dealing with women of her ilk.
I love the “must choose one” between fat and bitch. That should be carved in stone somewhere! Or at the very least on a t-shirt.
It’s okay to laugh.. damn you! I would be laughing too had it happened to you, so I suppose it’s only fair.
Hahahaha!!! My sick ass loved reading this!
*cough cough*
I’m a southern girl too and we do ROCK!
Are you sure Big Bertha is a Southern girl? Sounds more like a Hillbilly to me. LOL!!
LOl.. hell for all I know she could have been Yeti.
Maybe she did hail from an unknown locale.. somewhere some serious inbreeding was popular, I dunno.
I do know that we definitely have some Big Berthas that are Southern all the way down to the soles of their size 15 feet.
They are ugly bitches too.
Wow - man what is wrong with some people! HOLY CRAP.
@ notfearingchange.. I’m blaming it, like I said above, on inbreeding, lol.
While reading this post…GL, I imagined one of those wrestling gals, ya know! They’re gross!
LOL!!
You told that story so well, like Alisha said, “It played in my head like I was there watching the whole thing!”
I would have peed my pants right from the start! lol
You handled yourself really well.
@ WAH Opps.. Honey those wrestler women look mighty fine compared to this broad… and I do mean broad in every sense of the word.
Thanks for the compliment!
You’re welcome.
Oh hell no!
Sorry. That’s the best I could come up with! The situation has left me speechless, which is not easy to do!
@ Robyn.. LOL, it left me somewhat speechless too.. but I think mine was a result of fear.
Thanks for stopping by!
Well done GL! Then again, you always do a phenomenal job!:)
I hope I never run across a Big Bertha LOL.
[…] Me: “Tell your mom kid.. I’d like to talk to her too and tell her what a brat you are. Wait! Her name isn’t Candy is it?” […]